you're allowed to test the deep waters,

i saw a shitpost not too long ago as i write this and part of it said:

pain will follow us regardless of how we try to avoid it. we cannot control [others’] (sic) responses to our art, but it is art regardless. the nature of it does not matter. we do not need to make others happy to be safe.

i fear i have a strange relationship with the art i create, but it is one that is not uncommon to anyone and everyone who engages in some form of art medium.

often, i go through these phases where i experience intense impostor syndrome. i ask myself, ‘why does my work have to be subjected to likes, interactions, the algorithm? since when did a numeric value under my creation have a bearing on its quality?’

(it doesn’t—it shouldn’t, i know that.)

i combat these feelings with the reminder that i do this for myself, and never for anyone else. i hope to encapsulate nostalgia, emotion, and memory in the photos i take. rarely have i felt this intense desire to learn and feel absolutely stupid (in a good way) on a hobby i barely scratched the surface of; it is exhilarating.

i believe in the concept referred to as the ‘call of the void’—you consider a thought but never act on it. when you’re holding a knife and think about the possibility of such a sharp blade just ending it all, but you never do. you stand at the edge of a cliff, peering down at what would spell your doom, but you never engage the thought.

i test the deep waters, but i never tread in them.

i look back at some of the experiences i’ve been through this year, and wonder how the version of myself three-plus years ago would handle them, or if they’d ever do it to begin with. the fact that i couldn’t come up with a feasible answer astounds me—it reminds me of a tv that’s suddenly lost its signal; a glitch in the system.

i guess you could call that growth, but thinking about that is probably also a compulsion.

in a way, you can say that the version of myself right now would be (and even has been) in uncharted territory, and it has allowed me to experience new things with new people; the uncertainty of the outcome has left me curious instead of reluctant.

this change has, in many ways, allowed me to feel lighter and even carry lightness within myself on most days. at the same time, more work still needs to be done for my many insecurities.

but for now, i feel great, and that is what matters.