home is a feeling,

i wanna talk about the concept of ephemeral bliss, and how it relates to the connections i’ve sought and the friends i’ve made in recent years. what i’ve learned is that ephemerality exists, but we have to look beyond the impermanence of it all and recognize the good that this will give us.

recent years have taught me that it’s very easy to get lost in the sauce, to fall down a slippery slope of just always anticipating the end. we overlook the journey, the memories, the times we’d laugh and cry from all the things we’ve shared with the people we love; it’s all because we fear this ending so soon.

somehow i’ve overlooked the fact that everything i’ve done to get myself to where i am right now were all leaps of faith. i went in and tried new things with no expectations, mostly with the intention of finding something good on the other side.

little did i know i’d gain way more than just “something good”.

i know all too well that i put so much energy into making sure these impermanent relationships i have last as long as i want them to, rather than making the most out of them while they’re still here. i fear that the minute i let fate take its course, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy - that if things don’t end the way i want them to, it’s because of me. i fear that the end of a relationship (whether platonic or romantic) is because of something i’ve done, and not because of other potential factors i haven’t bothered to consider.

the older i get, the more i’ve been putting more effort into recognizing when impulsive thoughts aren’t worth the energy i subconsciously dedicate to them. why should i worry about situations that are beyond my control? the reality is that there’s no point in thinking about the multitide of reasons why a friend decides to cut me off entirely, or why my friendship with some other person naturally fell off, eroded over time.

friendships are much like rocks that have to withstand constant weathering over prolonged periods of time. some are able to last years, even decades, and some that only last as a phase. getting older has taught me that not everyone is meant to stay forever; some are only there for a chapter, or even for a season.

33 marks the first time in a while that i’ve decided to celebrate my birthday with a few of my good friends. the previous years have been too unkind in that celebrating my birthday (whether alone or with someone else) would’ve felt disingenous because i wasn’t happy at all at the time. for a while, i treated it just like any other day.

but why should i deprive myself of a happiness that i have every right to experience?

admittedly, i’m in a much better state of mind now; therapy and good company have afforded me a renewed sense of hope that things can and will get better. this is never going to be a linear path, and i hope to make the journey as memorable as possible, even though i’m not entirely sure what my end goal’s ever going to be.

why does that have to matter though? we’ll figure it out along the way. if not, that’s fine too. we’ll pave our own path and time will eventually figure out the rest.

if you had to ask me if there’s one thing i want to do more often the older i get, though? it’s to genuinely tell people i love them. to friends, to my family, to the people i love. even if it breaks my heart. especially if it breaks my heart.

i’m so glad i’ve learned that this heart of mine has so much love to give, and that there’s no point in keeping all that love to myself.

happy birthday, wayve. you’re doing so so well, i’m very proud of you.

as an aside, here are 36 albums for 33 (the site wouldn’t let me make a table with an odd number; my intention was 33 for 33). in no particular order, i would 100% listen to all these front to back with no skips - updated for 2026: